The Night before Christmas in Limerick

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through Moyross
Not a creature was stirring
‘Cept the odd stolen horse

The firearms were hung
By the fireside with care
In the knowledge that scumbags
Soon would be there

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of prison cells danced in their heads
And mama in her hoodie and me in my vest
Had just settled down for a quick stoned-out rest

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
A blue Hiace van with eight surly knackers
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Like a drunk rushing home
Bursting for a slash

The moon on the windscreen of the nicked van below
Cast all eight scumbags in a sickly pale glow
When what to my bleary, stoned eyes should appear
A Dunnes Stores shopping trolley full of new stolen gear

With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I just knew he had just escaped from the nick
More rapid than snatchers his scumbags they came
And to my big surprise, he called them by name
Now Wozzer, now Scobie,now Macca and Mishie
On Anto, on Deco, on Dessie and Fitzy
To the side of the porch, on top of the wall
Now dash away dash away, go rob them all

As dry leaves that before the hurricane fly
If someone gets in your way stab them right in the eye
So up the estate the scumbags, they flew
With a van full of guns and some DVDs too

And then in a twinkling, I heard out the back
A lone wee scumbag wasted on crack
So I pulled out my knife and was turning around
When the wanker burst in to the room with a bound

He was dressed all in Reebok, from his head to his toes
I could tell he was wasted by the blood round his nose
An ak47 he had slung on his back and I knew if he shot me I’d never come back
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples so merry
You don’t get like that just from drinking sweet sherry

He stared at me and then snarled with his teeth
And I wondered aloud, the cost of a wreath
He had piggy wee eyes and a great big fat belly
I knew he was here for the laptop and telly

He was chubby and plump, with a turn in one eye
I could tell that my daughter could go for this guy
He winked his good eye and then shook his head
As if to say,” fucker, you soon will be dead
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
He unplugged the telly but then turned with a jerk
The sound of a siren had him frozen in time
The Gardai were coming, about bleedin time

And laying his finger on the side of his nose
He packed up my stuff and took off on his toes
He ran to his van, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all drove like an Exocet missile

Yet I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight

“ I robbed you at Christmas and I don’t give a shite”

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