It won’t stop crying and i want to kill it.

Babies cry. It’s their only means of communication – literally.

Babies cry when they’re hungry, sad, scared, lonely, tired, have a wet nappy, have a dirty nappy or have an unfashionable nappy. Okay, that last one, not so much, but you get the picture.

Your baby will cry, sometimes for what seems like days at a time and yes you will have homicidal urges towards it. This does not make you a monster (unless you act on it obviously) and you are not alone. Apparently a baby’s cry can reach higher decibels than a pneumatic drill.

Imagine a builder using a pneumatic drill at the end of your bed at three in the morning. Now, imagine that the only way to stop him was by wiping his arse and feeding him a litre of milk from a bottle. Not a pretty image I grant you. Now imagine having to do that every three or four hours for months. Wouldn’t you cheerfully strangle that builder? Of course you would.

Just because it’s your child making the racket does not make it any easier to put up with. There are an astonishing amount of weird folksy remedies to get a baby to stop crying. The internet is full of them and it can’t hurt for you to have a look. I believe that the reason there are so many is because every baby is different and diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks as they say.

Whatchoo talkin’ bout Steve?

Sorry, that reference is a wee nostalgia trip for anyone over the age of thirty five. But, I digress. Check out all the techniques on the internet by all means and believe me there will be no shortage of parents with their own sure fire sob stopper. The simple fact of the matter is that you will come up with your own that works for your baby. You will manage it but it may take a while so you need to prepare for the worst case scenario.

Which is?

The Demon baby. The Demon baby is not a myth. I’ve seen it. It can scream at full volume, without getting tired, for hours and then start all over again after a few minutes sleep. It seems to have an instinct for knowing the precise second you enter deep sleep and then counts to five and off it goes again. Sleep deprivation is one of the most effective forms of torture and is in fact banned by The Geneva Convention. Captured enemy soldiers are protected from it but parents aren’t. That would be funny as hell if you weren’t so tired. Rest assured, the Demon Baby is incredibly rare, as rare in fact as the Angelic Baby.

The Angelic Baby is a joy to behold. They sit happily playing with their toes when not being bathed or fed and greet you with a smile after sleeping soundly for twelve hours. They don’t crap. They produce rose scented pellets which come out already wrapped in a nappy bag. They are, in a word, perfect. Most babies fall somewhere between the two. Sometimes they cry, sometimes they coo and you can rarely predict when.

As I once again labour the point here are my tips for surviving the crying: Take turns. There’s no point in you both being exhausted. Be honest with each other and whomever is closest to cracking should get out of the house for twenty minutes. That gives them time to get their head back together and whoever is stuck with the enemy knows that they too have a break coming.

Check your child. Check to see if your child has a physical problem. Are they hungry? Do they need a nappy change? Are they in pain? If the answers to these are no then put the baby safely in its cot and walk out of the room. Even five minutes can save your sanity.

Get help. There are a number of excellent phone lines you can use who are brilliant at calming you down if you are ready to crack. Once again, put the baby in a safe place and ring them up. Just talking to someone who understands and won’t judge you can work wonders.

Try a change of environment. Take the baby for a drive in the car or for a walk in the buggy. Even if this won’t get the little horror to sleep it can save you from that feeling that the walls are closing in.

If the worst comes to the worst, leave home. Just walk out. The rule is you’re not allowed to take anything with you. Not your car keys, bank card nothing. Just the clothes you stand up in. Well, you’ve just abandoned a woman with a small baby. You didn’t think it was going to be easy do you? Once you get to the bottom of the road and start missing your TV, turn around, head back home and gain some solace in the knowledge that like Maximus Decimus Meridius in the movie Gladiator. You shall have your vengeance in this life or the next…

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